today i went to my permanent address, the u-haul storage unit where my mom put all my stuff that used to be so completely comfortable in her home before she uprooted me and moved to suburban detroit. i got some old videos.
i was watching ingrid and i, and krista, ashley, sarah, john, evan, all of us in the rain and waiting for things, me and ashley's cute room, running around thor johnson dorm at night pursuing the avoidance of american diplomacy. i don't think words can adequetly describe the unique sort of happiness i got from that place and those people, or the degree to which i would do anything to be with them again right now, to have those lazy saturdays reading out loud and ordering cheezy bread sticks. and then also a video from disaster trip 1999 to cape cod with john.
"this is marie. um...i lost my backpack at the boston airport which is like, um, really terrible. you know, camera, walkman, journal i've bene keeping for a year with photos and you know, sentimental things as well as my personal thoughts inside of it, so that was sort of tragic. i'd say that, except for that now that i am comparing myself to people in kosovo and realizing that i'm really not that unfortunate as my way of dealing with it, but right now we're in the IHOP. We're supposed to be going to Chatham but we don't have a ride yet. We just went to K-Mart to replace things that were possible to replace, unlike my personal thoughts, hopes, and dreams, which are irreplacable. it's okay now. at least i'm not fleeing from serbs. and at least i'm with john."
-marie, in cape cod, july 1999
and at the same time, i am confronted these days with worrying that i am not worrying enough about my future. i',m not sure if this is directly related to the fact that sheetal has a real job, or not. but the truth is that i graduate in decemeber and i have no earthly idea where i am going to go or what i am going to do. and although that doesn't concern me, i feel that it should, because if it doesn't begin to concern me, i'm going to be like angela shannon who graduated in december 2001 and then woke up crying in the middle of the night in february 2002 because she still worked at the macaroni grill and she had no clue what she was going to do about getting a job or anything.
there are too many things to think about. in the "future."
new york city
new york state
and of course,
and my baby, scot.
p.s. in the past, i was way skinnier. i wish i was still that skinny. which is bad, because people still say to me, marie you are so skinny. but i think i liked better being like, so super waify skinny. yeah. this also might be cuz i am quite convinced that i am gaining weight as we speak.
from my journal, 1.25.1999:
"I am worried and scared about my future. Do I want to write or make movies? Go to college, live in an apartment, or go to London with Ryan? Who do I want to be near--Ryan, John, or my girls--Ing, Sarah, Meg, Sheetal...does what I do next year really matter? How important is Ryan in all of this? I love him--and John."