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sqaure peg in a round hole

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new journal [17 Jul 2003|04:57pm]
hello. so i have this desire to put up these nice long-overdue photos from mickey mouse world and canahada and everything before switching journals, but i guess that i can still do that, even if i do inform people of new journal development. i just want the pictures to be in this one instead of the new one. right. but yes.

my new journal is: ohhowgooditwas

as in: "how good it was
to practice on stones
which were things we could love
without weeping over. How good
someone else abandoned the farmhouse,
bankrupt and desperate."
-stephen dunn (essay on the personal)
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[10 Jul 2003|05:16pm]
fyi--if anyone reads this journal who is not on my friends list, you should know that it's been switched to completely friends-only entries, at least 70% friends only entries, so it's not that i'm dead, it's that my entries are being selectively blocked.
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i love love [25 Jun 2003|10:27pm]
by "taking a leave from livejournal," what i meant was that i'm still alive, but just a little speechless from time to time. there are many ideas in my head worthy of communication, but articulation is hard right now. so don't take me off your friends lists, cuz i shall return within the next day or so.

also my internet has suddenly stopped, leaving me in the library sitting next to a man who's entire face is wrapped in bandages.

i kid you not.
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untitled [25 Jun 2003|12:01am]
i am taking a leave from livejournal until i can figure out what to say.
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[16 Jun 2003|10:44pm]
hello. my name is marie. although i have been masquerading as a human being, i am in fact, half marshamallow, half gorllia. do not let my lanky limbs decieve you. (note: also, do not be decieved by the fact that odell told me i was the sexiest macaroni grill employee today)

to do list.
1.steal a chair from somewhere else in my house and move it to in front of my desk. this should facilitate more productive computer time because I won't have to take my computer to the floor or bed, therefore increasing the likelihood that my computer will be hooked up to my printer which somehow will make it more possible that i might actually print something out every now and then (e.g. query letters)
2. stop watching documentaries on bravo and amc about people who are trying to be actors. very confusing mix of reality and falsity. also will remind me of people that i miss very much.
3. install air conditioner. however, i can't get it out of my car. i need scot to do this. therefore, intrinsic in this operation is his prescence, which is coming soon. i know it's midnight, people, but sleep is the cousin of death. and it's not like he works at 8 in the morning or anything. by that i mean that he does.

i need something very badly. i'm not sure what that something is.

tonight i went to the chop house for my little brother's 19th birthday. i had a good peice of salmon. also some good potatoes. and some good desert. i would reccomend it to anyone who has a million dollars to spend on dinner, or a mom with a credit card and it's your brother's birthday so you get a discount.

i swam today. like a fish.
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bruise [12 Jun 2003|06:59pm]
this morning i had a slip and fall. you know, like old people, or like me on m way to work on a slick stairwell outside of my house in the rain. on the "pain scale" of 1 to 10 that they offered me at the urgent care place, i would have ranked certain moments a 9.5.

but never mind all that. scot and my mother helped me out. i'm on my couch right now. the doctor actually told me to take a vicodan, a motrin 800 and a muscle relaxer every 3 hours. which seems to me a lot like being in a COMA. i think i'll keep them and use them later, when I'm not injured and can have more fun. Just kidding. Or maybe not....

going to toronto tomorrow! gonna see basbeball with scottie too hottie!

i must return to my 8 hour movie marathon. if you want a vicodin, send 5 dollars to 1109 Willard. I'll throw in a poem for an extra dollar. SASE please.
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night truths [11 Jun 2003|03:07am]
hello, marie.

hello, insomnia.

remember me? we used to hang out every night for the first 20 years of your life until you got that goddamn elavil and the noise machine/fan and that nice comfortable comforter.

i know. i didn't miss you, though. my life improved without you.

no, i know you missed me. and tonight i brought my friend fibromyalgia. right now she is stinging both of your wrists and your right knee. how does that feel?

really bad. i wish scot was here cuz he does this thing where he holds my wrists and makes the pain go away.

you sleep better with someone else there, don't you?

i do. they don't have to be a boyfriend, or be in my bed. roommates work too. i think i feel subconcious peer pressure to be asleep when everyone else is.

well, its just us right now.

i know. i hate you.

but i love you. we see each other so rarely now. you're always with that boy now, and i don't know him very well. and you sleep so much better in general.

i know. i hate you.

remember when we used to hang out in 1224 naples court? we used to play on the computer, write letters to ryan, eat healthy choice ice cream from the freezer. rememeber?

my wrists are aching. my knee is aching.

do you still plan on waking up in 5 hours? even though you were up with that boy until 4 last night?

yes. i need to deprive myself of sleep tonight so that i don't have to hang out with you again tomorrow.

ok. goodnight.

you don't mean that.
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[11 Jun 2003|12:33am]
[ mood | content ]

it has been officially four months that marie has managed to live in ann arbor, michigan without any of her good friends being here. by that i mean a lot of people, but with a special emphasis on natalie. well, bobby was here but he's so popular and busy and i'm so bad at returning phone calls.

conversation circa january 2003:
marie: i have no idea how i am going to survive when natalie leaves. who am i going to talk to?
unmentionable boy: you can talk to me! i'll always be here for you.
marie: but who can i talk to ABOUT you?

it's neat. you guys should try it. (having no friends).

except i kind of cheated by falling in love with this amazing boyfriend character named scot. but it's still hard to not have any of my friends around. i have yet to cry directly about that fact, although there have been times that i have cried that i would not have cried if instead i could have been having colliders with my friends.

i read through a lot of old journals last night, like far back, from the old days--summer of 2001, to be exact, and following up throughout that year. my life in new york was pretty exciting i think. i miss being surrounded by so many invigorating, interesting, creative, diverse people--where even going out for happy hour could be an education in the human species.

but i also realized i spent a lot more time talking about what i actually did during the day, rather than abstract emotions and current stupid trains of thought.

so. i'm going to do more of that.
like, today i went to the gym. i ran three miles. that felt good.
i went to the mall and got a cubbies hat for me and a canucks hat for scot.
i went to scot's to say hi to my baby before a long night of work.
i went to work and hated everyone for being lazy butts and especially a certain someone who actually asked me to check his sidework when he hadn't seemed to have done anything, and then proceeded to call me a bitch because I am NOT a bitchy sidework checker. AT ALL. i made 65 dollars or something.
i came home at 11 and ate french fries and talked to my roommmates. now i am doing this. since scot and i have been "together," i have seen him at some point pretty much every night (90%?), so i might see him later. (i have a door/window to my room like the one that dawson would walk in to joey's room!) if not, i will be asleep or reading.

the girl in the dentyne ice commerical is really skinny.

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summer time is survey time! [09 Jun 2003|08:58pm]
ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with?
myself
2. What is your weapon of choice?
laser-beam
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
sometimes i give scot a pleasent slap on the cheek when he says something bad.
4. How about of the same sex?
hmm...i think i hit kristyna with a pillow once.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
“really” angry? christopher, i would say.
6. What is your pet peeve?
when someone says they’ll call you about something (hanging out, usually) and then they don’t, even if they were asleep or dead.
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
depends. i think i let things go most of the time...

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time?
call bobby, write a letter to my grandmother, get letters for insurance people
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?
4pm. when i went to sarah lawrence. i woke up at 4 and walked to the train station to meet meg. we ate chinese food. it was a wondeful brief day.
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't
Meg
4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
i’m always at work, as a reason for why i haven’t contacted anyone.
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
me and ryan watched a richard simmons one all the way through
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in?
today.
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? seriously...eleven.

GLUTTONY
1. What is your one beverage of choice?
diet coke
2. Meat eaters: dark meat or light meat?
light meat
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting?
yikes.....i never count. probably 10 or 11 shots/drinks?
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
no.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
i am a girl. durr! of course!
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
sweets
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH!"? umm..what?

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? sexually?
ill say five.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)?
ditto.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?
no.
4. Have you "done it"?
yes.
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
hands, for some reason.
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
no.
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
yes.

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own?
two
2. What's your guilty pleasure store?
marshall fields...or urban outfitters....hollister...victorias secret...express...the list goes on...
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
rich.
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
that’s kind of a convoluted question.
6. Have you ever stolen anything?
i guess you could say i’ve stolen food and drink from work. oh, and that hair iron from liberty.
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
767

PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of?
the play i had produced at interlochen.
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
i don’t know...maybe my writing thesis, or maybe that play? not having a mental breakdown?
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life?
artistic success and a wonderful loving relationship
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
no, at least i was a finalist!
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
i’m not “in to contests”
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
si, senor. (p.s why else would you cheat on something??)
7. What did you do today that you're proud of?
did my goddamn laundry. oh, and put my cds away into litlte books.

ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
becky’s sapphire iron
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
uh...i live in like, a cubbyhole.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
Claire Danes
4. Have you ever been cheated on?
yes!
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
yes. there are many famous stomachs which i prefer to my own. also the stomach of that one girl that is always running downtown showing off her perfect abs.
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
an ability to always stand up for yourself and be true to yourself and be uncompromising about getting what you want...but i think i’ve gotten much better at that over the past couple of months...
7. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
lust. but only within the context of my heavenly relationship.
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i like the word anacagua, even if i can't spell it and i say "anaconda" [05 Jun 2003|12:33am]
sum.

"money isn't real, george. it only seems like it is." (blow)

i've never been a "saver," so to speak, because money is just paper, but you can trade it in for much cooler things than paper. or even just cooler paper. it seemed that the time was approaching to begin looking for school loans, the money left by my father in my mother's care was vanishing, when in december our aunt informed us that there was another account of my father's money (life insurance, trust funds, etc) in her control which was quite sizable, which was to be split between my brother, my grandparents and i.

suggestions of course, graduate school. "house" "car" "life" "apartment" "time off to write a novel or something else equally brilliant" "something practical"

but somwhere between scot and i talking about mountains and looking them all up in the atlas and deciding which ones to start with and me talking about my dad on the top of kilimanjaro, i realized that there is only one thing that i truly believe my father would have wanted me to do with his "money."

so i think that's what we're going to do. we need to go to bivouac and get some books. i need to get some back muscles. but i remember i told my mom i was going to climb kilamanjaro one day in my dad's honor, and then that goal sort of faded. for now, we are looking at mount hood (oregon) and mount washington (new hampshire) and then moving on to bigger things.

it's good to feel that i am pleasing my favorite ghost, or that i have found the potential to. and that i have found someone to see the world with me, with his similar eyes, someone who i know my father would have adored.

these are far-off dreams, abounding potential.
but i can't wait
to be on the top of the world with scot (if we aren't already...)

"you are not your job. you are not the money in your bank account. you are not the car you drive. you are not how much money is in your wallet. you are not your fucking khakis. you are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world." (fight club)

statistic of the day:
of marie's four serious boyfriends,
100% have come from divorced families and have been raised by 0 or 1 of their biological parents.
100% have at least one parent who has or had a drug or alcohol related problem
although i met all 4 in michigan, 7/8 of these biological parents live far from michgan--texas, oklahoma, oregon, wisconsin, georgia, nevada.

i wonder what that says.
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loves i have, heart beating still [29 May 2003|03:10am]
i would like to document this moment as a moment that life feels pretty damn good. jessie came in for the night and it was so good to see a friend and reminded me of how good it will be when everyone gets back in the fall, how good it will be to have all my friends back in michigan who have been abroad. and i love scot more than words can explain, we remain retarded for each other and i am thrilled to climb mountains with him and just be with him and i feel very confident and true about our love. it just feels so amazingly right. he is asleep on my bed right now because he works all day all the time.

i can't really be more eloquent than that, cuz that's just the facts.

"...on very rare occasions life will offer up something as full and wonderful as anything the imagination can muster."
-jim harrison, 'farmer'
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the presture [28 May 2003|01:17am]
today i went to my permanent address, the u-haul storage unit where my mom put all my stuff that used to be so completely comfortable in her home before she uprooted me and moved to suburban detroit. i got some old videos.

i was watching ingrid and i, and krista, ashley, sarah, john, evan, all of us in the rain and waiting for things, me and ashley's cute room, running around thor johnson dorm at night pursuing the avoidance of american diplomacy. i don't think words can adequetly describe the unique sort of happiness i got from that place and those people, or the degree to which i would do anything to be with them again right now, to have those lazy saturdays reading out loud and ordering cheezy bread sticks. and then also a video from disaster trip 1999 to cape cod with john.

video highlight:
"this is marie. um...i lost my backpack at the boston airport which is like, um, really terrible. you know, camera, walkman, journal i've bene keeping for a year with photos and you know, sentimental things as well as my personal thoughts inside of it, so that was sort of tragic. i'd say that, except for that now that i am comparing myself to people in kosovo and realizing that i'm really not that unfortunate as my way of dealing with it, but right now we're in the IHOP. We're supposed to be going to Chatham but we don't have a ride yet. We just went to K-Mart to replace things that were possible to replace, unlike my personal thoughts, hopes, and dreams, which are irreplacable. it's okay now. at least i'm not fleeing from serbs. and at least i'm with john."
-marie, in cape cod, july 1999

and at the same time, i am confronted these days with worrying that i am not worrying enough about my future. i',m not sure if this is directly related to the fact that sheetal has a real job, or not. but the truth is that i graduate in decemeber and i have no earthly idea where i am going to go or what i am going to do. and although that doesn't concern me, i feel that it should, because if it doesn't begin to concern me, i'm going to be like angela shannon who graduated in december 2001 and then woke up crying in the middle of the night in february 2002 because she still worked at the macaroni grill and she had no clue what she was going to do about getting a job or anything.

there are too many things to think about. in the "future."
new york city
new york state
ingrid
london
chicago
krista
meg
jake
magazine writing
mountainclimbing
ryan
here
eugene
writing
school
jobs
montreal
san francisco
and of course,
natalie
and my baby, scot.

p.s. in the past, i was way skinnier. i wish i was still that skinny. which is bad, because people still say to me, marie you are so skinny. but i think i liked better being like, so super waify skinny. yeah. this also might be cuz i am quite convinced that i am gaining weight as we speak.

from my journal, 1.25.1999:

"I am worried and scared about my future. Do I want to write or make movies? Go to college, live in an apartment, or go to London with Ryan? Who do I want to be near--Ryan, John, or my girls--Ing, Sarah, Meg, Sheetal...does what I do next year really matter? How important is Ryan in all of this? I love him--and John."
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[22 May 2003|11:51pm]
what if i told you that when i sleep with you, i only dream genuinely sweet dreams, I wake up refreshed, exhilirated from winning the lottery, escaping the kidnapper, holding your heart. that the other night, alone, i dreamt that chris was dying in the emergency room and i couldn't get there. i woke up to the phone ringing with tears in my eyes, it was you at 4:30 in the morning. it was like winning the lottery, seeing 'scot' on caller id.

i wish for ten million different ways to say i love you, without sounding repetitive.

i've revised my list. i know that's not allowed, but apparently people have been breaking the rules left and right and no one told me about it, so now its my turn. five. that's the truth in my heart.

i got lost in barnes and noble mega-center tonight. i don't know what it is about looking at bookjackets for two hours that can be so remarkably entertaining.

i work all the time. so do you. i have thirty-nine dollars. goodnight.
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[22 May 2003|09:29am]
good morning, sunshine. i work "days" now. i've taken to it. it's easier. in and out, and on with it, rather than nights which are unpredictable and require far too much sidework.

last night we had a real date, set my mouth on fire at zydeco, had ice cream (marie's favorite part of ann arbor in the summertime). my roomates are funny. she gets really into reality television. there's a little kitty that looks like a greeting card.

i'd like to be able to solve all your problems, just like that, magically. but all i can do is look at you, hold your hand. i wish that things were more fair for the people i love.
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[16 May 2003|02:52am]
i've never had someone look out for me before, she told him. it's been a while. i feel safe with you.

tonight claire and i treaded into the work-party-waters by actually going to tgi fridays. at our end of the table with lindsay, things weren't so bad. and i almost didn't notice that our manager was tanked and telling stories about her kid and boyfriend.

scot is due to come in through my dawson-door at any moment.

"money isn't real, george, it only seems like it is."

money--money--money--i'm abba here--saving and adding and paying bills. i'm running out, and it's time to take responsibility for myself. project not buying clothing.

project your blankets, warm comforters, rainy may in michigan, picking up shifts all the time, waiting for checks, project no office chair, no posters. project i miss you.

i am realizing so many new things about who i forgot to be.
ryan used to say "are you being true to yourself?"
i am now. it was easier to look the other way. every day, it's baby steps, farther away from a persona i slid into.

nightcrawler is awesome.

making lists.

love. summer.
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paralell universe [08 May 2003|11:08pm]
this is what happened. i left ann arbor, michigan, for florida. when i left, i lived in an apartment on south forest with sheels mcbeels and christyne. my boyfriend, scot, lived in an apartment by north campus that smelled like a different dinner on every floor, and had white carpets and clean air conditioning. my room was big and spacious. the macaroni grill was busy. it was raining. when i came home there were two girls to talk to. i had lil bit of money. i was taking classes and doing a lot of homework.

now, we have returned, and it is another world! (the lavileers? is that what it's called). scot lives with his aunt, with no roommate, and it's kind of cute like high school when we have to be quiet. and it's much closer to the whole world. his job will change a little when the outdoor complex at our gym opens up and i won't get to see his cute smile every time i walk in. and i live in a new house on willard which is really close to campus and fileld with a bunch of girls i don't know who are only here for the summer. it has lots of rooms, but my room is very little. the macaroni grill is not busy. i am taking no classes, and i have no homework, which means its perfectly approproiate to spend an afternoon watching movies in your arms. and, oh, i have no money. but it is still raining.
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[06 May 2003|11:41pm]
yaaah, we went to disneyworld, we got our picture taken with captain america at universal studios, we totally tried to go surfing on mini-waves in cocoa beach, i did't get sunburnt, and we totally had a 7.99 pound of crab legs while lisening to the "mammoth band" play a wide variety of classic rock songs (highlights: lagrange/zztop, wonderful tonight/eric clapton, superman?/three doors down whaaat?), totally got a little bit tan.

yeah, michigan is cold.
i live in a new apartment now, on willard street, which is a hop, skip and a jump away from in-n-out and bella napoli. i am living with 7 girls that i don't know. although "living with" would suggest that i am actually moved in, which would be not true. instead, i have a lot of boxes. and a lil room.

i can't think right now.
florida was sunny and warm.
i'm excited for this summer, though.

"whats there to be down about, marie? it's springtime, and you're in love!"
-sheetal, to me, last summer.
(but its still true, except different!)
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[23 Apr 2003|11:32pm]
sometimes, lightning bolts from god are far more subtle than actual flashes of fatalality. marie, you are far too small to be drinking as much as you did. as you have been every time you drink at all, it seems. this was my intervention: a bruise on my nose from a lil fall, an excruciatingly painful argument, and about twenty trips to the bathroom to throw up. and endless, endless nausea and a headache that truly felt like elephants were squeezing their thighs over my temple.

right now, you are playing your guitar along to everything that comes on the itunes. which is awesome. which was an orchestral "fade to black," but is now huey lewis and the news!
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happy pesach baby [18 Apr 2003|12:22pm]
near the end of my hebrew final on monday, i felt my stomach turn and i thought i might be about to have the first ever case of failing-a-hebrew-final-poisining. it took me several hours to feel better again. and also a three day break from facing anything else that could possibly pass as "schoolwork."

passover seder on wendsday night at my mother's apartment: "you know those stories about the jews on the lower east side who had to crowd into their little tenemant apartments for shabbat and chairs were like, overflowing into the hallways? that's what this is gonna be like."

of course, one of many highlights of the evening was when susan (my mother's girlfriend/soon to be wife) told scot that he might turn her hetero. my mom gave him one million "brownie points" for washing all the dishes, which took about a year. she would have gotten mad at susan for that comment had scot not been so unbearably good-looking. oh wait, that's me who couldn't stop thinking about how he's so unbearably good-looking. i kept turning to him at dinner and thinking eric clapton lyrics. (you look wonderful tonight, etc.)

small world event: my mother's friend = the mom that drove scot and his buddies (and her son) to rugby games at pi-hi. they had funny stories.

we're "doing passover" together. that should be a hebrew infinitive. "to do passover." this morning i had turkey bacon and matzah with apple butter. i have a feeling you are going to have potato chips dipped in ketcup and m n'ms.

oh, schools not over yet. i still have stuff to do. starting now.
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[13 Apr 2003|12:23am]
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<img src="http://www.hpphoto.com/servlet/LinkPhoto?GUID=718d6524-1fd6-701a-2478-4761597313e0&size=lg" "alt=hair1"/>

at first he told me it wasn't gonna wash out...but it was a joke... he washed it out in the sink and then his hair was really soft.

<img src="http://www.hpphoto.com/servlet/LinkPhoto?GUID=2ad87f2c-2bd4-d35d-498d-1e6f1892b45f&size=lg" "alt=hair"/>
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